Bete Noire
by Moon's Tear
Summary: The NCIS team talks during a quiet spell. One shot AU Tate in Kate's POV. Written in response to a challenge (details inside). Please review!


**Bete Noire**

The NCIS team talks during a quiet spell. AU Tate written in Kate's POV in response to a challenge I was issued by a friend. Minimum 2500 words, I was given the title and five words and phrases I had to use and of course, it had to end up being Tate. There's a lot of inner monologue and neuroses going on. Enjoy and please review!

Disclaimer: I do not own NCIS; I just like to take Kate, Abby, Gibbs, Tony, McGee and Ducky out to play my way sometimes.

Bete Noire

The elevator door opened and I walked into the bullpen. Gibbs was going to kill me. It was the second time in a week I had been late for work. I walked to my desk and sat down, expecting him to notice my late entrance at any moment. However, after a few seconds the silence seemed louder than it had been initially. The admonishment didn't come. I stood up from my chair and looked around, only then realizing that the bullpen was completely empty. The computers were turned off, the phones were silent and no papers littered the desks or floors. I wondered where everybody was. Just then I heard the elevator doors opening again. I spun around and caught sight of Tony striding towards me. He had one of his trademark grins pasted into place, ready for another day.

"Hey Kate, you're late again," he said jokingly.

"I know I'm late, Tony. Where is everyone?" I inquired.

"Down in the lab with Abby. There were no numbers on the call stack or faxes in the machine this morning, so we're sitting around and chatting, appreciating the seldom quiet spell. Gibbs went out to get coffee. He asked where you were last time I came up here and since you weren't in yet, I bought you some time. I told him you were in the washroom," Tony replied.

"Thanks," I said, taken aback by his quick thinking.

I grabbed my briefcase again and followed Tony downstairs. We stepped off the elevator and into the lab. There were chairs arranged in a circle, most of which were occupied by the rest of the team. I took my chair between Tony and Abby.

"Good morning, Caitlin, nice of you to finally join us," Ducky said warmly.

"Hi guys," I replied.

"So, where'd we leave off in the conversation?" Tony asked.

"We were just talking about Gibbs' boat and how if there was one way to get back at him, torching that boat would be it," Abby said cheerfully.

"Oh, you're cold, Abbs, which is probably why I like you so much," Tony laughed.

"How was your weekend, agent Todd?" McGee asked shyly.

"It was fine, Probie. The power outage was a little bit of a hindrance in getting my paperwork done, but all's well that ends well." I said.

"What are you kidding me? The power outage was the best thing about the weekend! It was perfect timing, too, because Saturday was a full moon. It made for a great séance!" Abby said enthusiastically.

At this I saw the color visibly drain from McGee's face. It was no secret that he had a crush on Abby, but at the same time he was terrified of the little quirks that would go with commitment to her. I laughed inwardly at his predicament and realized that if it was meant to be, he would have to find a way around it. After all, Abby was way too involved in her 'hobbies' to ever give them up.

"Sounds like fun," I said indifferently.

"It is! You should try it some time. In fact, I'll let you know next time there's a full moon. You can come join the party!" Abby suggested.

"You know, you've just reminded me of a lad I once knew…" Ducky started.

"Quit while you're ahead, Ducky," Tony said warningly.

"Oh, alright, but I will have to tell you this story some other time," Ducky said dejectedly.

"I hate the dark. It's just so cold and eerie," McGee said with a shudder.

"Is that your bete noire, Probie?" I asked.

"What? No, not at all. I'm not afraid of the dark, I just don't like it," he said defensively.

"If you say so. Speaking of fear, do you think Gibbs is afraid of anything? I mean really afraid?" I asked the group.

"You mean besides his ex-wives?" Abby asked jokingly.

"No, he just loathes them, he loathes redheads in general now, actually," I laughed.

"I think he does have a bete noire. I think he's afraid of compassion. Or rather, expressing his compassion. You know, just generally being a nice guy for once. Understanding, kind, generous, that whole thing," Tony suggested.

"I think you may be on to something, Anthony," Ducky approved.

"I mean, look at it this way; no matter what happens, the kind of tragedy anyone suffers, Gibbs refuses to get close to that person and reassure them. If anything, he just pushes further away and encourages them to get through it on their own. It scares me, to be completely honest," Tony explained.

At that moment, Gibbs entered the room carrying a tray of coffees.

"Hey Kate. Now what was that you said, Dinozzo?" Gibbs asked as he passed out the coffees and took his seat.

"Nothing, boss…" Tony trailed off.

"You said it scares you, to be completely honest," Gibbs reiterated. "What is 'it'?"

"We were just discussing our bete noires, Jethro, and young Anthony was simply commenting on his perception of yours," Ducky explained.

I saw the words flickering in Tony's eyes. 'Thanks, Ducky.'

"Oh? And what do you think it is that I'm afraid of?" Gibbs inquired.

"Compassion," Abby said simply.

McGee, Tony and I held our breath as we waited for Gibbs reaction. After a few seconds we were sure nothing would come, but then Gibbs smiled. His smiled quickly turned to chuckling.

"Compassion, Dinozzo? Define 'compassion' for me, please," Gibbs said lightly.

"Well, it's just the way you are with us, I mean, we take some cases pretty hard, and you never fail to make it harder. With witnesses, you antagonize rather than reassure them. Compassion in a nutshell, boss," Tony supplied.

"I'm not afraid to show compassion, Dinozzo, I just don't feel that I need to. Don't get me wrong, I do have a, what did you call it, bete noire? It's just a lot simpler than you think," Gibbs said.

"Enlighten us," Abby pressed.

"Technology," Gibbs admitted.

I shook my head. Here we all thought he was just inept with anything with a microchip when all the while he was afraid of technology. It was so simple that I felt compelled not to believe him, until I saw the look in his eyes. Gibbs didn't lie, and he taught me how to recognize those who did. I respected him for that.

"Don't look so surprised, I am only human. Since we're sharing, why don't you tell us what you're afraid of, Dinozzo?" Gibbs suggested.

Okay, ordered more than suggested.

"Me? I don't think there's anything I'm afraid of in the sense we're talking about," Tony said.

He was lying through his teeth and it was so obvious even Gibbs didn't comment. One of us had to come out and say it, since I was sure there was group consensus, I decided to be the messenger.

"Commitment, Tony. Your bete noire is commitment. That and vampires. Am I wrong?" I asked of the group, the latter meant for Tony.

Even Tony shook his head at my question. At that moment, I felt for him. It must have been easier for me to say it than for him to admit to it. I immediately wanted to take it back. The hurt and vulnerable look in his eyes touched my heart, and I felt inclined to lean over and wrap my arms around him. The second the thought reached my understanding, I wanted to kick myself. 'You're treading in dangerous waters, Todd, remember that.' Yeah, like I was going to let my conscience win this one. I decided that later would be a good time to talk to Tony privately. After all, it's what sisters are for. That's all it was, a kind of 'brother I never had' relationship.

"It always had been commitment. I'm getting better, but there's a part of me that'll never come to terms with that kind of covenant, you know? It's hard to see myself in the same position as I am now twenty years down the road, which is exactly why I can't commit. Maybe it's not so much a fear as a defense mechanism, or a comfort thing. As for the vampires, my mom was just really into the whole Louis XV thing. Canopy beds, candles and trompes d'oleil all put together make for one hell of a nightmarish setup. Now I've got this image stuck in my head and I can't get it out. I still have nightmares about some vampire coming to poke holes in my neck and suck my blood, " Tony said softly.

I could only fathom how hard it was for him to be admitting these, his solitary weaknesses, to the team. To Gibbs. To me, knowing that I would never let him live it down. And ordinarily, I wouldn't, but this time it was different. This was something that he had to come to terms with, and my endless teasing would be no help. Kate Todd is capable of empathy, what an anomaly. I looked back up and met Tony's eyes. He looked deeply troubled, and guilt washed over me as I realized it was likely my fault. I sighed and decided to try and right things.

"Making mistakes. That's my bete noire. I'm afraid of making mistakes, of being wrong. Sure, it's good to learn from your mistakes, but what if one day I make a mistake that screws up mine or someone else's life for good? I'm scared of being a hazard to myself and to other people," I said hoarsely.

Tony's and my eyes met once again, and for a split second I felt us connect. Not on an 'I know what you mean' level, but on a more 'you're not alone, you have me' kind of level. It scared me to think that Anthony Dinozzo was capable of understanding a woman. It probably scared him, too. I snapped out of my reverie and turned the tables on McGee. Him I could deal with teasing for this.

"So Probie, what's your bete noire? And don't lie to me, you know I can see right through you just as well as that window," I said with an edge to my voice.

Okay, I admit it, I love to torture McGee. It's too easy. Maybe this is what Gibbs feels like when he's on one of his crazy power trips… McGee looked uncomfortable and I gave him a sideways smile, forcing him to go on.

"Uh…" He muttered under his breath.

"Sorry, I didn't catch that, could you speak up a bit?" I asked imposingly.

His eyes flickered over each of us for a moment before settling back on mine.

"Gibbs," McGee deadpanned.

Each and every one of us burst out laughing uncontrollably. After a good solid five minutes we stopped, but only because we were oxygen deprived and sore-ribbed from the exertion. I cleared my throat and took a breath.

"You're kidding me, right? No, seriously Probie, what're you most afraid of?" I asked.

"Gibbs. I know, it's stupid, but it's just that, I guess I don't take being hounded constantly very well. I mean, it's almost like I'm being antagonized. I've never worked well under pressure, and this, Gibbs, it's poked holes some sizeable holes in my comfort zone. It's scary. I guess it's just the vulnerability that goes with working under someone who can tell more about you in thirty seconds than you can about yourself in your entire life that scares me, not so much Gibbs. Sorry, boss," McGee said embarrassedly.

Suddenly I realized that I had felt exactly the same way my first few months at NCIS. I bet Tony did, too. Gibbs could be pretty mean sometimes, and McGee was just shy in the first place. I realized my constant bearing down on him probably didn't make fitting in any easier. I sighed and looked at him.

"I used to feel the same way. Don't worry, you'll get over it, McGee, trust me," I said lightly.

I had called him McGee. I guess subconsciously I felt for the guy. I mean, I would probably say the same thing in his shoes. I looked at Gibbs. His eyes met mine and I glared at him threateningly, just daring him to say something reassuring and prove Tony's hypothesis about his fear of compassion wrong.

"I just find that pushing you and quote 'poking sizeable holes in your comfort zone' is the best way to get things done. I'm sorry if it's hard to deal with, and I'll try to ease up a bit," Gibbs said apologetically and with great difficulty, I'm sure.

What a slap in the face. I could almost see the handprint fading from Tony's cheek. Gibbs was actually capable of compassion. It took us all for a ride, I can tell you that.

"Alright McGee, pick the next victim," I encouraged.

"Abby, tell us your bete noire," McGee said quietly.

"I couldn't really sum it up into one word. It's more like a feeling, you know? It's something like the feeling I would get if anyone accused me of being someone I'm not, of trying to be someone else. I'm my own person, and I'm comfortable in my skin, but when people say I'm trying to be someone I'm note, I second guess myself and start to doubt I really know who I am. It's that feeling that you're a stranger to yourself, you know? That the more you know about yourself, the more you know you don't know kind of thing? Maybe it's just me," Abby said thoughtfully.

"I know what it's like," Tony and I chorused.

I had been classified as a diva so many times by so many people while I was in high school that it had affected my self esteem to the present day. The clothes I wore and the music I listened to automatically seemed to get me placed in the 'queen bee' category. People never took the time to see who I really was, and it hurt because I wanted to stand on the top Mount Everest and shout at the top of my lungs that this is the person I am and what I look like doesn't have a single thing to do with it. I knew Tony felt the same way, being labeled a jock even now. Again I felt a connection with him I never could have anticipated. Suddenly, accepting one of his offers of a date didn't seem like such an incredulously irrational idea. Suddenly, walls I didn't recall building began to fall with great ease. The veil of judgment around my heart was lifted and the light of Tony's smile warmed me. I shook my head, trying to clear away thoughts of warning and rationale that weren't there anymore. I pushed all those feelings aside and rejoined the conversation.

"Okay, so that leaves Ducky," I said simply.

"Yes, my dear, it is also difficult for me to explain my bete noire. You see, what I fear most of all is something that I cannot escape. I fear the inevitable. I fear death. I work with death every day and have a fascination with it, but it frightens the living daylights out of me. I suppose that is because human nature is to be both in awe of and fearful of the unknown and what greater unknown is there than death? I ask myself that question every day, and face the same answer. I cannot predict when or how I will die, but I know that as I grow older the threat looms ever closer, and I can't seem to be able to come to terms with the fact that all life has to end at some time," Ducky said pointedly.

I couldn't have said it better myself. I was afraid for my life every day that I showed up to work. That mistake I so much feared making could be the death of me, and I couldn't do anything to forestall the inevitable. I saw a twinkle of agreement in every pair of eyes in the group and realized that no matter how prepared you tricked yourself into being for death; it would haunt you until you actually died. What a paradox. The only way to cease the fear of the inevitable is to experience the inevitable. Ouch. Ducky isn't the only one that must scare the bejesus out of.

"Well, this had been an interesting conversation, but I have to get to work on some files I have left over from the last case. You guys can do what you want, I'll page you if I need you," Gibbs said.

I nodded and watched as he stood up and left the lab. The rest of us stayed put in quiet contemplation for a while longer. I looked at my watch and realized that the whole conversation had eaten up half of the day. It was time for lunch already. I made a silent resolution to say yes if Tony asked me to go to lunch. At that moment, I could have sworn he read my mind. He stood up from his chair and walked over, crouching down beside me. I pretended to be lost in thought, when really I was mentally preparing myself for an hour alone with him away from NCIS.

"Hey Kate, you wanna go grab some lunch?" He inquired.

I snapped out of my reverie and looked him in the eyes. I realized then that I had never seen eyes that color before. They were a deep green, almost emerald. Such inviting, warming pools of comfort. I shook off the mounting attraction and told myself I was being blind. He was deathly afraid of commitment, I was deathly afraid of making a mistake. If we got together both of us would become abnormally paranoid and we would repelled into alternate dimensions. It could never work. Unless we took it all in a stride and actually allowed each other in to help the other overcome their bete noire. Then maybe, just maybe, it could work. Oh, who are you kidding, Todd?

"Sure, where are we going?" I queried.

"Your choice," Tony said lightly.

"How about Koutouki? They have great Greek salad," I suggested.

"Koutouki it is," Tony agreed.

We drove to the restaurant in Tony's car. I kept my eyes focused on the hands I had folded in my lap, but I wondered about Tony. Once we were at the restaurant and seated at a table, I decided to prod more deeply into his feelings.

"You're really afraid of commitment?" I asked plainly.

"I don't know, it's complicated. It might not be so much fear as the fact that I haven't found the right person yet. Maybe one day I'll find that one person that I can relate to in a way that will help me see past the flaws of commitment and into the logic that I'm going to spend the rest of my life with the one person that I would do anything for kind of thing, you know?" Tony asked unsurely.

"Yeah, I know, but it's not so much a fear for me, but I guess that's because I came so close that I know it's possible. I can promise you that one day you'll find the right person, you'll just have to keep your eyes and your heart open," I said softly.

Tony reached his hand across the table and grasped mine, giving it a gentle squeeze. My head snapped up and I looked deep into his eyes, searching for answers that I knew neither of us could provide.

"What about you, Kate? Are you really afraid of making that fatal mistake? How will you know it's a mistake if you don't make it?" Tony asked, all the while holding my hand in his.

"I guess that because I've come so close to that perfect relationship and lost it is where all the self doubt comes from. I'm afraid of making that same mistake again. I don't know if I ever will make it again, but I don't know that I won't, either. I can't be sure of anything, and I'm scared, Tony," I admitted.

He gave my hand a tighter squeeze and I could tell he understood.

"What if I promise that I won't let you make that mistake, Kate? What if I say I can protect you from the pain of that one tragic mistake, will you believe me?" Tony asked.

It was such a complicated question with such a simple answer.

"Yes," I replied.

I didn't even have to think about it before the single word tumbled off my lips. I tried to soak in the implications while Tony visibly composed himself.

"Where do you want this relationship to go, Kate? Because I want it to go so far as to make us face our fears. To make us want to run from it and hide when we should be getting closer," Tony said honestly.

I saw the sureness in his eyes and realized that this was what I wanted more than anything. To be given the chance to face my fear without there being a great risk involved. Hell, even if there was a risk involved here I would be willing to make it. I had seen a part of Tony today that I never would have seen otherwise and look what it had lead to.

"I want that, too, Tony. I want us to be together," I admitted.

"The let's be together, Kate. I love you," Tony said warmly.

"I love you, too," I replied breathily.

Tony let go of my hand when our orders arrived. We ate quickly and left the restaurant. We still had fifteen minutes left of our break when we reached NCIS, so we decided to go for a walk. Tony, being the perfect gentleman, tucked my arm into the crook of his elbow as we walked. A short way down the path we stopped to turn back. Tony slid his hands down to my waist and I found myself automatically wrapping my arms around him. My cheek was pressed against his chest and I could hear his heart beating somewhat more quickly than usual, I'm sure. We embraced for a while before pulling away just enough for our lips to lock in a passionate kiss. The kiss was exquisitely gentle, yet incredibly thorough. I had never imagined that Tony could kiss with such emotion. We separated, breathless, and twined our hands together again for the walk back to NCIS.

For the rest of the day my mind was filled with thoughts of cautious optimism for the future. Maybe, just maybe, this could work. Maybe we could face our fears and come out of this experience better people. When my eyes met Tony's across the hall, the maybes turned to surelys and my cautious optimism was promoted to silver lining.

Let's just say that this was the last thing I had expected when I had come into work that morning…

_A.N. What do you think? This is just what I think Kate's neuroses would be in such a situation. Please review! -Julia-_


End file.
